artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Mar 12, 2012 16:58:47 GMT 1
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English"
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"Its all right boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
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blimeyocrisis
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
We're generally rubbish, but that's what makes the good times special...
Posts: 4,187
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Post by blimeyocrisis on Mar 14, 2012 11:57:09 GMT 1
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Mar 19, 2012 14:37:42 GMT 1
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
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blimeyocrisis
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
We're generally rubbish, but that's what makes the good times special...
Posts: 4,187
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Post by blimeyocrisis on Mar 21, 2012 11:02:32 GMT 1
Muamba woke up yesterday to find out Torres had scored twice...
He said "bloody hell, how long was I out for???"
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Mar 22, 2012 9:40:27 GMT 1
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Mar 23, 2012 10:10:27 GMT 1
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Mar 24, 2012 12:12:46 GMT 1
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Mar 25, 2012 11:46:06 GMT 1
What’s the difference between 'Iron Man' and 'Iron Woman'?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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niggled
Tom Cowan Terrier
Posts: 602
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Post by niggled on Mar 26, 2012 20:57:04 GMT 1
reports suggest fabrice muamba can breathe unaided, recognise people and move his arms and legs. liverpool have ofered a straight swap for andy carroll
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Post by philincalifornia on Mar 27, 2012 0:10:52 GMT 1
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. That joke might play better when Gloria Gaynor's dead Sid. |
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Post by SN0W on Mar 27, 2012 10:13:55 GMT 1
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. That joke might play better when Gloria Gaynor's dead Sid. and if she had snakes in her hair |
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Mar 27, 2012 20:11:35 GMT 1
An old lady is being examined by her Dr.
He asks 'have you ever been bedridden?'
She says 'yes I have, and I've been table ended and back scuttled a few times too'.
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Mar 29, 2012 23:14:56 GMT 1
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my @rse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 2, 2012 12:02:50 GMT 1
A wife says to her husband ‘you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back’.
He says ‘what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair’.
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 5, 2012 20:11:51 GMT 1
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said "You’re obviously not f--k--g listening".
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 6, 2012 12:40:19 GMT 1
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering for years after it's been eaten.
It's called Wedding Cake.
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Post by SN0W on Apr 6, 2012 13:01:40 GMT 1
Two whales swimming near the coast of Japan when they spot a whaling ship. The male says to his female partner, 'lets swim under it and if we both blow out of our blow-holes at the same time we might capsize the bstrds. So they do and it works, but the male whale is angered when he sees some of the crew have survived and they are swimming for shore. 'Come on, he says. 'Lets swim after them and gobble them up.' To which his companion replies, 'look I went along with the blow-job but there's no way you're getting me to swallow seamen.'
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harrison
Frank Worthington Terrier
Posts: 1,824
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Post by harrison on Apr 6, 2012 16:47:59 GMT 1
I have got as far as page three and some of them are belters.
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 7, 2012 0:05:04 GMT 1
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said ‘I love you’.
She said ‘is that you or the beer talking?’
I replied ‘It’s me talking to the beer.’
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 10, 2012 11:03:22 GMT 1
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I’ve been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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Post by PompeyTerrier on Apr 10, 2012 21:49:03 GMT 1
Can you spare just £2?
Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Nambia. He has only got 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day Ranji has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels and no brakes.
Please, if you could send us just £2 we will send you the video - it's f*****g hilarious!
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Lodgey
Ray Wilson Terrier
Kwame Hodouto Terrier
Buxton Boys We Are Here
Posts: 5,620
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Post by Lodgey on Apr 11, 2012 14:54:09 GMT 1
Can you spare just £2?Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Nambia. He has only got 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day Ranji has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels and no brakes. Please, if you could send us just £2 we will send you the video - it's f*****g hilarious!  £2 on its way. |
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harrison
Frank Worthington Terrier
Posts: 1,824
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Post by harrison on Apr 11, 2012 19:17:40 GMT 1
Have read three more pages anmd its hard work laughing your socks off.
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 14, 2012 10:58:23 GMT 1
Hi everyone
I don't want you to panic but I'm posting this from the casualty department.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
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harrison
Frank Worthington Terrier
Posts: 1,824
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Post by harrison on Apr 14, 2012 14:07:21 GMT 1
Catching up slowly on page 9.
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 15, 2012 9:13:53 GMT 1
Two married ladies go on holiday to the Caribbean and meet a muscular black guy.
After a week of fantastic threesome sex, they ask his name.
He says "My name is Snow".
The ladies start laughing, so he asks "what's so funny?"
They reply....
"Our husbands will never believe we had ten inches of f***ing Snow in the Caribbean!"
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Post by SN0W on Apr 15, 2012 12:39:16 GMT 1
Two married ladies go on holiday to the Caribbean and meet a muscular black guy. After a week of fantastic threesome sex, they ask his name. He says "My name is Snow". The ladies start laughing, so he asks "what's so funny?" They reply.... "Our husbands will never believe we had ten inches of f***ing Snow in the Caribbean!" my favourite one so far |
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 15, 2012 12:51:49 GMT 1
My apologies for
1. Describing you as Black -put it down to poetic licence
2 Revealing your vital statistics
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Post by SN0W on Apr 16, 2012 7:56:57 GMT 1
My apologies for 1. Describing you as Black -put it down to poetic licence 2 Revealing your vital statistics That's ok Arty, the 'black' thing is understandable, everyone makes that mistake. |
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artysid
Jimmy Glazzard Terrier
It's dangerous to be right when those in power are wrong
Posts: 4,162
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Post by artysid on Apr 16, 2012 11:00:50 GMT 1
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven.
At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter.
Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter:"What were the names of the two people in the Garden of Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?"
2nd nun: "An apple"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
Finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that’s a hard one!"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
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