This bloke finds a poor distressed bee so he gives it a bit of honey from his kitchen and revives it. Weeks later he’s driving through a remote desert and runs out of petrol. He thinks he’s had his chips when he see’s a swarm of bees, but then they all stop and have a p*ss in his petrol tank before flying away. He thinks it’s a bit odd but his tank’s now full so he switches the engine on and, miraculously, it works, and he drives safely home. The next day he goes to his local garage and tells the owner about it, who replies “Must have been BP”
A Woman goes to the doctor and tell him “I have a problem, I just can’t stop farting. Fortunately the farts are both silent and odourless, but it’s still embarrassing to know I’m breaking wind in public. “Take these tablets for a week then come back and see me” he tells her. She returns a week later and tells him “Doctor it’s worse than before. They’re really loud now at least before they were silent. It really is so embarrassing” “Good” he replies. “Now that we’ve cured your deafness try these tablets next to cure your adenoids.”
A woman goes to the doctors and says “I have a problem with my backside”. “Pull your pants down and let’s have a look” he says. On inspection he sees she has a lettuce leaf sticking out of her bum. “Is it serious?” she asks “I’m afraid it is” he replies. “That’s just the tip of the iceberg”
Bloke goes to the doctors and says “I keep getting this urge to stick my willy in the biscuit barrel is their anything wrong with me?” Doctor looks at him and says “I’m afraid there is. You’re f*cking crackers.”
Post by philincalifornia on Jun 5, 2011 17:19:15 GMT 1
I went to the doctor today cos I've been feeling my age. I said, "doctor, how do I know when I'm having the male menopause?" He said, "when you start trying to chat up eighteen year old girls". I said, "shit! I've been menopausal since I was twelve!"
My pub landlord had a heart attack and collapsed last night. Three hours later we were all too pissed to call an ambulance!
My younger brother's an example of what can happen to people who get involved with drugs... A Porsche and his own house by the age of 20.
I went to see my gran today and, to be honest, I don't think she's gonna last long now. Not since I saw her will.
I've not been having much luck with the ladies lately. This week I've already had two pick me out of the line up!
My girlfriend just said, "you remind me of my ex". I said, "Why's that then?" She said, "you're dumped as well"
When I was a kid, my mum used to say, "if you ever swear, I'll wash your mouth out with soap!" What a hypocrite! You should've heard the language when I bit her fingers.
I went to see a medium earlier. She said, "Your nan wants you to know she's so proud of you" and I immediately burst into tears. She said, "are you okay?" I said, "no, when I left her house this morning she was fine!"
I've just found out I've got a three year old daughter! My wife says I need to be a bit more attentive round the house.
We cleared out my gran's flat this morning, sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her flat on the market. She'll be well pissed off when she gets back from bingo.
Post by Gag_N_Bone_Man on Jun 7, 2011 8:54:18 GMT 1
I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to "CLEAR OFF". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that!"
My new Chinese neighbour has just given birth to a son with no willy....they’re calling him...... "Sum Ting Wong"
Two blokes walking in the wilderness see a fierce wild bear running towards them at 40mph. one of the men starts to put on a pair of running shoes “What’s the point of that you’ll never outrun that bear” the other says, to which he replies “I don’t have to, I only have to outrun you”
My missus would make a shite cleaner…………….She's always losing her rag.
Was walking through the grave yard the other day and saw a bloke crouched down behind a grave stone I said, ‘Morning’, he replied, ‘no just having a shit’.
Do Dubai have any shops that sell Flintstones memorabilia?........No but Abu Dhabi do
What do u call a man stood between two houses? ALI
What do you call a man with a hotel on his head? Norman Tebbit.
Having a quick fag behind the bike sheds, hiding from the teachers, nicking sweets from the local shop. Who can forget trying to see the girls naked at PE and finding porn mags in the bushes? And what about stealing dinner money off the fat kids? Damn, that caretaker's job was the best I've ever had
Went into Blockbusters and asked "Can I have Batman Forever?" "No you've got to bring it back by tomorrow teatime! "
Pregnant Jamaican woman in a coma. When she wakes up she asks where her bump is. Doctor says "you had twins a boy and a girl. Your brother named them." "Oh my god" she says "He's thick, what did he call the girl?" 'DENISE' says doc "Oh that’s good I like that, what about the boy?" 'DENEPHEW'
Snow eh! The weather girl just said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'she'll be f*cking lucky with a face like that!'.
A small boy is separated from his father at a football match, so he goes up to a policeman and says, "I've lost my dad!" "What's he like?" the copper enquires. "Beer and loose women..."
Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman. "No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
The winner of the Strawberry Picking Event is the woman with no legs.........Jammy Twat!
How do you make 50 x Old Women say 'Bugger!' all at the same time? Walk into Mecca Bingo and shout 'House!'
I was asked to do a 10km fun run, "p*ss off" I said. They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids" I thought f*ck it, I could win this.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry!
I phoned in sick to work today and my boss asked how sick I was. I replied "Well I’m in bed with my disabled sister"
Little Sally came home from school & proudly told her Mum that little Johnny had shown her his willy. Mum was really shocked, but allowed herself a wry smile as Sally said it reminded her of a peanut. Was it that small? said Mummy. No! it tasted salty!
I feel really guilty about crushing up the pills and adding them to Grandma's food. But at her age I'd never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.
Gavin from Autoglass came round last night and injected some special resin into the wife’s crack. I wouldn't mind but she hasn't got a car.
Little girl walks into her parent's bedroom. "Holy sh*t" she screams, "and you want ME to see the doctor about sucking my thumb!"
Two blokes sat in the pub, one of them pissed up says "last night I f*cked your mum, she sucked my cock and let me cum all over her tits" The other says "come on dad, I think it's time I took you home"
I got arrested today for punching a coloured woman in Homebase. The wife had sent me out to get a Black & Decker.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? 'Pick a cod, any cod.'
There was a shooting down my street today, apparently they used a starting pistol. Police think it was race-related.
Two parrots on a perch One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." "Great idea," the drunk replies. "Tits!"
Two blokes on a beach after the life guard shouts 'shark everyone out of the water!' 1st bloke... 'QUICK Lets find our wives, mines a 6 foot blonde, big titted, topless, in a thong with a lady six pack, what's yours look like?' 2nd bloke... 'F**k her, let's find yours!'
Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snortin', Bin Dealin' and Bin Thievin', however, there was no sign of Bin Workin'
I was woken up last night yet again, by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted for f.... sake keep it down
Post by Gag_N_Bone_Man on Jun 15, 2011 8:00:19 GMT 1
Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady. Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag." Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?" "Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad. "Oh, okay," said Johnny. The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave. While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said. "Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny. "Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father. Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "Fuck!" she yells. "Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny. "That's just another word for cooking the turkey." "Oh, I get it," said Johnny. All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside. "Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady. "Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the turkey."
Post by Gag_N_Bone_Man on Jun 15, 2011 8:01:08 GMT 1
Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention. "If I gave you £20," she began, "and you gave £5 to Mary, £5 to Sally and £5 to Susan, what would you have?" Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"
Post by Gag_N_Bone_Man on Jun 15, 2011 8:03:51 GMT 1
A teacher spotted little Johnny drawing pictures. She asks, "What are you drawing?" "I'm drawing God," little Johnny replies. The teacher paused and then says, "But nobody knows what he looks like." "They will in a minute," he replies.
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!" "Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“ Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
Scientists at Oxford University, have spent 3 years, & £10 million, on research into why a mans penis is wider at the tip, than at the base. They concluded that it was to increase sexual pleasure for the female.
Similar research at Cambridge, costing £25 Million, and lasting 10 years, has suggested that it is to increase pleasure for the Male, during love making.
Students at Kirklees College spent £75 on beers & a Pizza, to discover that it's to stop your fist slipping off and smacking yourself in the face!
Grandpa was reminiscing about the good old days...
"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.
Yer can't do that now.......too many security cameras”
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she's on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'