An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. ' Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
"Cut & Paste" GUTTED, how long have you known me Phil?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?" asks Holmes
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot. It tells us Some git has stolen our tent."
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress; 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.. 'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters; 'No.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
The Queen and Princess Anne are staying at Sandringham and are out for a drive in their Land Rover when they notice a group of robbers approaching and realise they only have a few seconds to hide their valuables.
When the robbers arrive they search them but are unable to find any valuables, so they steal the Land Rover and leave.
“How did you manage to hide that gold and diamond bracelet?” the Queen asks Anne “I pushed it up my pussy” she replied “But what about that jewel crusted necklace you were wearing” Anne replies.
“Same thing” replies the Queen I hid it up my pussy”
The Queen reflects for a minute and then continues “It’s a pity Camilla wasn’t here, we could have saved the Land Rover.”
A postman was doing his round just before Christmas and picking up several Christmas tips. He was shocked when at one house he called at, a beautiful women in a silk negligee invited him in, undressed him, eased him onto the carpet then straddled him and gave him a good seeing to. After which she went over to the mantelpiece picked up a pound coin and gave it to him.
“Why are you doing this?” he enquired rather pleased yet puzzled. To which she replied “It wasn’t my idea. I was going to give you £10 but my husband said ‘Give him £1 and f*ck him’.”
Post by Captainslapper on Jul 6, 2011 0:14:57 GMT 1
Thor is in Valhalla, bored to tears since the Vikings disappeared, so he decides to come down to earth and make a weekend of it, let off a bit of steam. He goes into a bar and for starters chooses to have a gamble on a fruit machine. So he sticks in his 20p, presses 'start' and because hes Thor, a god, the jackpot comes up. Lights start flashing and buzzers and horns going off and then piles of money start pouring out of the machine. As hes a Thor, a God, he can't be bothered to collect it so just tells the old boys sat nearby they can have it .
So he leaves the old boys grabbing all the money and decides next thing is he wants a drink. "barman, 50 double whiskeys please!" he shouts. Being Thor, a god, he swigs the lot without it having any bad effects on him.
He wipes his mouth and then thinks that next its time for some sex. So he scours the bar for the best looking bird and goes over to chat her up. As hes Thor, a God, hes pretty irresistable and the woman is immediately turned on and desperate to shag him. So they go off to a motel, and Thor gives a one her all night long, none stop, every position imaginable, like a sewing machine on Red Bull. But he doesn't stop there, he carries on shagging her ALL the next day too, none stop, then ALL the next night aswell, until finally, after 36 hours of none stop, hard, energetic thrusting away, Thor finally reaches climax, sighs with satisfaction, rolls off and sparks a cig up.
Of course the bird doesn't know whats hit her! She peels herself off the bed and barely able to walk, gingerly staggers off to the bathroom.
Thor lies in bed smoking, and thinks to himself that as hes a God he really should do the decent thing and explain to this girl who exactly he is. So when the girl eventually comes out of the bathroom Thor says to her " I've got something to tell you. I'm Thor." and the girl replied " YOU'RE THOR! IM THO THOR, I CAN'T EVEN PITH!!!" "
A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular 20 myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'
'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Huddersfield, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. 3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, BUT you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has women that love sex. The second floor has women that love sex , have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
A retired couple went into Town to do some shopping one day. They were only in the shop for about 5 minutes but when they came out there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket. They went up to him and I said, “Come on, be reasonable, how about turning a blind eye this time?” He ignored them and continued writing the ticket. “Nazi” shouted the husband. The warden glared at him, looked round the car and started writing out a ticket for having a bald tyre. At this, the Wife called him a couple of rude names. He finished writing the second ticket and stuck it to the windscreen with the first ticket. Then he started writing out a third ticket and this went on for about 20 minutes. The more the couple abused him the more tickets he wrote out. Finally with about a dozen tickets on the windscreen the warden turned to the couple and said “That’ll teach you” To which the retired couple replied “Personally we don’t care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.”
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
'These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'
'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her ass that says:
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'